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I have just returned from a jog. I’m amazed to state this fact. It seems it could have been many years since I last did so. Yet It came to my attention that my tests indicate somewhat raised cholesterol, and doctors suggested to do sweaty exercise on a consistent basis.

For the first time ever in my life that my motivation to work out has been my bodily well-being. When I was younger, I jogged because I wanted to slim down. I also jogged to manage nervousness – It was an avoidance tactic from those feelings, not addressing it. At other times, I ran because I sought to get better in running. This was what it meant to me then to build an improved existence.

Running for a different reason currently got me thinking about the approaches I’ve connected with my body during my years and the way it’s evolving as I progress from being a young person to middle age. I don’t think I’ve honored my own body, not truly. I’ve appreciated it just for its roles and the aims it fulfilled for me: trying to attract others; escaping emotions; achieving a quicker 5km. Up to now, I failed to grasp that my body represents me, it is my life, rather than a tool for outcomes.

A great deal has been discussed for ages about the split involving physical and mental aspects – which you will be relieved to know, I’ll avoid detailing in this piece. What resonated most intriguing is Sigmund Freud’s view that mental and physical selves are innately connected from birth, because bodily growth requires mental growth and vice versa. The newborn’s bodily experiences – such as the bodily feeling of hunger – propel consciousness to develop the ability to recognise hunger as a feeling that is alleviated by nourishment; and the mental reassurance and contentment consistently provided by feed after feed supports the infant’s psyche in the same way the food fuels them corporally. Likewise psychological experiences – for instance the desire to rise and grab an object, and the persistence to persist through effort – are why and how muscles grow stronger. Since infancy, our body and mind are intertwined in shared growth as integrated as DNA strands.

But I have noticed, in treatment with my therapist, that my mind and body might experience an alternate dynamic – one less integrated and somewhat abusive. My mind might utilize my physical self to store and manifest things that my consciousness deems undesirable or unacceptable. During therapy we realized that exist certain emotions that I worry I can’t handle; rather than sensing them in my mind, I unintentionally force them into my body, where they remain as bodily signs.

I often had this with indigestion – which had nothing to do with my diet, but acted as a type of corporeal reaction of the harsher emotions I was unable to process in my mind. This was not a conscious choice, but when it was brought to awareness through therapy, and my fear and insecurity and frustration and panic became palpable and articulated instead of converted to bodily feelings, it vanished. I rarely suffer with digestive issues currently.

The most severe episode I had this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for several nights in a row. I felt I was forfeiting my mind. I consulted my doctor, who arranged all sorts of diagnostic procedures, but no issues were found physically wrong. The situation was an alternate medic who informed me that the origin might be mental. My analyst agreed. I was shocked, but I recognized it to be true.

When a patient is suffering a corporeal problem, it can be upsetting at the suggestion that it could have a psychological cause. They can experience as invalidation, hearing that their symptom is fabricated. Certainly that does happen – individuals may experience their suffering ignored or wrongly assessed. Yet occasionally it could be that the bodily signs are genuine – no question – and the origin is mental, the unconscious using the physical self to express emotional hurt or anger or whatever emotion the conscious self fails to handle. At times, we may believe our emotions only has value only through expression through the body. We often undervalue our minds on a personal level, as a society and as a culture; for what reason would we tolerate the shocking elimination of mental health treatments in public healthcare?

My experiences have taught me that a superior lifestyle is unattainable if we remain trapped without realization in modes of connection, inside us and in relationships, that originate in devaluation, exploitation and dealings. These interactions tend to be simpler to recognize “externally” in wider society. It’s perhaps harder to reflect on where they come from, and to see these patterns within ourselves and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

However it’s worth persevering. Upon wearing my jogging shoes back on after such a long decade, going outside not to get physical improvement, or to escape a feeling, or to surpass a personal best, {it